Hotel Review - Blackpool

Thinking of taking in the Illuminations this holiday season? Let Papa Jordan talk you through the very best in seafront hotels, hostels and homes - for the weary traveller looking to stow their load.

The Headlands

What the sign says: The He_

Features: A snub-nosed hotel adorned with the welcoming, glowy wedge of a news agent. Who is the eponymous "He" the hotel pays tribute to every night? Could it be the giant chrome orb that Blackpool has for some reason? Is the bulb in the sign just broken? Mysteries abound at The Headlands!

AA Rating: 3/5 stars

Hotel Sheraton

What the sign says: Hotel Sh_raton

Features: Sensible choice of a solid state sign doesn't prevent the Sheraton from still somehow losing a letter. Huge frontage with a premium view of the fibreglass astronauts. Hotel possibly called "HEATED INDOOR SWIMMING POOL"; unclear.

AA Rating: 3/5 stars

Grand Hotel

What the sign says: Grand Hotel

Features: This brutalist red-brick monolith is the perfect place for a spa getaway. Relaxation slightly hampered by sign flickering constantly at night. 30 second walk from an illumination advertising escape rooms; which is ironic given the hotel is laid out like a gulag. Free Wi-Fi.

AA Rating: 3/5 stars

Elgin Hotel

What the sign says: Incredibly, Elgin Hotel

Features: Strong 'Pillaging of Greek Antiquity' motif. First floor rooms give eye-level view of betitted sea harpies. Reinforced steel door to keep the lamp-addled masses at bay.

AA Rating: 3/5 stars

The Welbeck Hotel

What the sign says: Just look at it...

Features: Actually shut down. Tomb for pigeons. Isn't a hotel.

AA Rating: 3/5 stars? What?! How?! AA, I swear to god...

The Maples Hotel

What the sign says: Day - Maples Hotel, Night - Featureless Black Rectangle Hotel

Features: Interesting curry-house form factor. Is a real hotel where you can actually stay. Fully licensed bar allows guests to drink away the horror of living next door to the fucking Ghost Hotel.

AA Rating: 3/5 stars

And now, an interlude:

North Ount Apa Ents.

Moving on.

Savoy

What the sign says: Savoy three times and then Savo_, once, over the entrance

Features: Not the famous chip shop snack but rather a large domicile for temporary residents. Classic four-sided hotel shape, gorgeous decor, ample facilities. Does sound very close to 'saveloy' though, doesn't it? Would you want to stay in the Sausage Hotel? Everyone on the pier calling you "Sausage Boy, Sausage Boy"? Didn't think so.

AA Rating: 4/5 stars! Nah, just kidding. Of course it is 3/5 stars

Queensgate Hotel

What the sign says: Queensgate Hotel, just above a tastefully smashed window

Features: "Hey, Brian! Where do you want these terrifying concrete sphinx women?"

"Oh yeah... just flanking the rickety conservatory we built on the front of the terrace houses will be fine."

AA Rating: I will give you one guess.

Stretton Hotel

What the sign says: Stretton Hotel - lit by a single, dying fluorescent tube

Features: Wait wait wait... so the lift goes to all the floors? And you're sure the hotel is open? Shit, well that's all I need to hear. Smash my kneecaps in now; I'm going to Blackpool!

AA Rating: No really, I'm not shitting you: 3/5 stars

The Smile Hotel

What the sign says: The Smile Hotel. The Smile Hotel. The. Smile. Hotel.

Features: Right, I'm breaking the bit here a little because this sign is fine: it's lit up properly and all the letters are there. Unfortunately, what won't be all there are YOUR ORGANS, IF YOU STAY AT THE SMILE HOTEL.

AA Rating: 3/5 stars

In conclusion: stay at any hotel you like, they're literally indistinguishable.

Also, I don't know what you have to do to earn 2/5 stars from the AA but I'm guessing it's "fuck a guest to death".

Mr. Jordan